New Mexico’s “Koch Cain Problem”

In May, Americans for Prosperity set up shop in New Mexico, eager to start pumping dark money into state politics after lapdog governor Susana Martinez vetoed a bill that would require fuller disclosure of campaign funding. As you already know, Betsies, Americans for Prosperity is funded by the billionaire Koch Brothers and has been instrumental to funneling massive financial resources into pushing a far-right political agenda across the country that is dead-set on fucking the entire planet.

The New Mexico chapter of Americans for Prosperity is led by Burly Cain, exactly the kind of libertarian chode you would imagine, who, when he is not trying to wedge a flaccid Ayn Rand dystopic future up the unsuspecting poop chute of his state, opposes a living wage and spends his time on such ventures as “Adwallet,” which pays poor people pennies to watch shitty advertisements, thus making them all prosperous again.

Here’s a summary of the platform position of the New Mexico Americans for Prosperity:
–Dark money is just what democracy needs
–Obamacare terrible
–Exiting Paris Climate accord great
–Taxes bad
–Minimum wage bad
–Assault rifles, for-profit Christian “education” and pipelines great

Last night Cain held a NM Americans for Prosperity event, in which he offered to “educate” the public about dark money, trickle-down economics and the brighter future they hold for New Mexico—as bright as a nuclear dawn!

So New Mexico Betsies staged a funeral procession in front of the event, protesting the state’s “Koch Cain problem.” Cain responded by calling armed security—private security, so at least he gets props for libertarian consistency!—to keep a watchful eye on these terrifying Betsies.

White-Out

From the Iowa & Illinois Betsy Riot: The Trump administration has asked the Klansman-endorsed head of the Department of Justice to sue universities whose affirmative action admission policies result in “intentional race-based discrimination” against white people. Yes, the fucking Department of Justice is deploying its **Civil Rights Division** to undo vital racial justice work at American colleges and universities, and were directed to do so by a steaming pile of incestuous nepotistic legacy admits. According to the DoJ memo, shitty lickspittle employees are to indicate their interest in working this assignment by today, August 9.

So Betsies at the University of Iowa and Northwestern University installed these giant bottles of White-Out to mark the new Trump administration approach to higher ed.

“Thanks for the Sepsis”

So what does Louisville, KY, Betsy do to unwind after a long day spent telling hayseed neo-nazis to go fuck their moms? Why, she swings by the home of her old friend and recovering high school swirly victim Sen. Mitch “Murder Turtle” McConnell, and she drops off a “Thanks For The Sepsis” banner on his front doorstep in tribute to his incompetently executed and ultimately failed campaign to destroy healthcare for millions of vulnerable Americans–with a little career advice for the Yertle manqué tossed in for good measure.

Murder Turtle

Kentucky Betsies delivered some calling cards to the porch of their homicidal senator (see our post from last night) and inspired us to make this helpful reference guide for suggested new fauna names. Share with your friends to get the word out.

GOP = Fucking Nauseating Shithouse

Today something appalling happened–it has been all over the news and has shaken some people to their very core, threatening the country as they thought they knew it.

No, not the Senate taking healthcare from millions or the president using trans people as a pawn in his idiotic political theater. Rather, it seems that two Albuquerque Betsies splattered a red energy drink on a Republican Party office sign after standing outside with words on posterboard. The simpering taints at the office strapped on their thunder shirts until they felt safe, then called the police to investigate the “spray paint” that they videotaped themselves wiping off with a sponge.

We at Betsy Central were contacted by the Associated Press about this tragedy, and here is our statement:

“Betsy Riot is an anonymous, decentralized, nonviolent, grassroots feminist organization. We were not informed ahead of time about this action by Albuquerque Betsies and were only made aware when the Otero County Republican Party went public with their outrage. We immediately launched an internal investigation of the circumstances surrounding the event, which included an emergency meeting of our leadership council, interviews with relevant parties and a comprehensive re-examination of our membership vetting process. White papers were produced, as well as PowerPoint presentations. The whole process took fifteen minutes.

Our findings were that the masked ‘violent’ radical extremists were actually two women in tee shirts holding signs. The ‘spray paint’ was actually an energy drink. The “A” stood for ‘Assholes,’ which is what the GOP are. And the only thing that was obstructed at the building’s entrance was the already low chance the assholes within the building had of getting laid.

In their interviews with Betsy Riot leadership, the Albuquerque Betsies noted that the Republican Party has become a fucking nauseating shithouse full of misogynists, racists, homophobes, gunlickers, and general moral rot that is attempting at this moment to kill countless Americans as well as destroying our democratic institutions and the very fucking least a decent human being ought to be doing is calling these morally diseased chodes for what they are on a regular basis.

The Albuquerque Betsies further pointed out only an ethically defunct shit-for-brains like a Republican Party official would waste police resources on mean words and a sugary drink and call such a protest ‘violent’ even as the literal human excreta they elected to Congress are attempting to kill people. The Albuquerque Betsies align themselves with similar recent protests by the Betsy Riot in Kentucky, Virginia, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, and even the Isle of Man, all places where local officials are making it a priority to fuck over women, people of color, the poor, the vulnerable, or our entire planet, and where they will continue to face opposition by the growing numbers of the Betsy Riot.

We were satisfied with these answers and consider the case closed.

–xoxo Betsy Riot”

US News & World Report: https://www.usnews.com/…/2-protesters-accused-of-vandalizin…

The Santa Fe New Mexican: http://www.santafenewmexican.com/…/article_91d76fb4-e371-5f…

Raw footage of the devastating cleanup operations: https://www.facebook.com/newmexicogop/videos/10155980218396874/

A Betsy in the Senate?

Spotted in the Russell Senate Building, Washington, DC. Seems like someone there is a Betsy.

A Dark Night

July 20 is the anniversary of the Aurora, Colorado, gun massacre in the Cinemark Century 16 movie theater, during a midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises, when the America-hating, death eating blood suckers of the NRA and the bloody flux-lapping shit wallowers in the U.S. Congress slaughtered by proxy 12 people and injured 70 others after letting a law banning semi-automatic weapons and high capacity magazines lapse in 2004, thereby allowing a mentally disturbed man to purchase them ONLINE.

We’ve uploaded a new sticker commemorating the Aurora massacre to our Betsy Printables Dropbox folder. It is formatted for Avery 5163 labels, available at office supply stores.

Feel free to go see a movie tomorrow. If you see anything interesting, be sure to take a photo of it and send it to us.

Here are the direct links to the .pdf of these stickers:

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/82sax9y30g6uqws/AABtERNLzpmAcCp161bnDcl0a/STICKERS%20-%20GUN%20THEMED/AURORA%20DARK%20KNIGHT%20-%20Avery%205163.pdf?dl=0

https://www.dropbox.com/s/l1yuhfzk59z6vlj/BATMAN%20FUCK%20YOUR%20GUNS%20-%20Avery%205163.pdf?dl=0