Do you hear that? Why, it sounds like a tsunami of sweet, sweet gunlicker tears heading our direction as we pack up our aero-plane and head to Atlanta for the NRA Annual Anal Leakage Meeting.
You know how the United States is overrun by assholes who simultaneously espouse the most disgusting anti-poor, pro-death, pro-gun fuckery AND thump Bibles and listen to shitty Christian rock? Betsy is fed up with churches that reassure greaseturds that their Savior rejoices in public policy that degrades women and promotes poverty, misery, and white nationalism. So she has been seeking out these hives, going straight to the churches to ask parishioners how in the holy fuck they reconcile the teachings of a poor socialist pacifist Middle Eastern refugee with the endless tsunami of moral diarrhea issuing forth from the mouths of evangelical megachurch ministers.
This week her target was Berean Church of Lincoln, Nebraska, home to some of the state’s worst politicians. The church itself employs armed security guards–because whose skull would Jesus blow open?–and has even sent people to the state legislature to ask the government to allow more guns in church.
So Betsies put on their Easter dresses and began festooning the thousands of twatmobiles in the parking lot with this leaflet when a group of the church’s notorious security emerged a wee bit upset at the Betsies, and also likely feeling out of sorts due to the doucheketeer black jacket/jeans/brown shoe fuckknuckle combo that, along with concealed handguns, appear to be standard issue.
These testosterone-addled shartsnufflers proceeded to follow the betsies both on foot and by Ford F-onefitty for over a mile before the betsies lost them. Nothing intimidates a phony cross wagging NRA chode like some ladies with paper. Happy Easter, one and all.
Nebraska’s deatheater governor Pete Ricketts, who has never met a pipeline or lethal injection he didn’t like nor a public resource he does not want to fuck back into the middle ages, was bafflingly invited to speak at a ceremony for a children’s zoo today. So some Nebraska Betsies decorated a couple hundred chairs at the venue for the occasion.
Last week, rancid crotch cheese and self-proclaimed “champion for Western civilization,” Iowa Congressman Steve King, made news when, in the context of praising Dutch white supremacist candidate Geert Wilders, he tweeted: “We can’t restore our civilization with someone else’s babies.”
Though KKKing’s tweet shocked many across the nation, it shocked not at all the Iowa Betsies, who have been enduring this kind of racist filth since King was first elected. By their estimation, this had to have been the 1 million-gazillionth-fucktillionth racist discharge to be issued by the badly infected, suppurating buttock chancre that is King’s mouth.
Which, once they thought about it, was a milestone that the Iowa Betsies felt should be recognized. So off they went to Steve King’s hometown of Kiron, cutting a riotous swath of Fuckyouness across the Hawkeye State.
They tacked on a “truth in advertising” addendum to Kiron’s town sign. They declared King’s home a “National Disgrace Site” with a helpful directional sign pointing the way for tourists. And they planted an historic marker on Rep. King’s actual front lawn. …Just in time to swing by his church in Odebolt where they left a helpful reminder to his church’s Nazi-enabling parishioners that fascism, white supremacy, and gun idolatry make the Middle Eastern refugee they claim to worship very very sad.
And then it was home for milk and cookies. And the satisfaction of shit well fucked-up.