This one weird trick makes your douchemobile acceptable.
Stop Treading on the Rest of US
Betsy Visits the Murder Turtle, Again
Oh, dear. Sigh. The Kentucky Betsies visited Sen. Mitch “Murder Turtle” McConnell’s house in Louisville AGAIN and left more than a few signs for him. Why so many? We can only assume it’s because Mitch debases democracy in so many areas you can’t fit them all on one poster–from Chris Cox-sucking the blood money-jizzing death dick of the NRA, to proclaiming himself the wise Poindexter overlord of all women’s bodies as well as the beknickered Fauntleroy executioner to millions of sick and vulnerable and poor by diligently working to destroy the Affordable Care Act and Medicare.
And though there is no lawn sign for this offense, we would add to the list, proclaiming himself nebbishy supreme ruler of the country and the magical Dungeons-and-Dragons manifestation of all the country’s founders rolled into one by shitting on the Constitution and refusing to hold hearings for a two-time democratically elected president’s Supreme Court nominee. Though arguably, that’s what the “You Just Fucking Suck” sign was likely about. An “etc.” to cover the rest of the list.
Mitch McConnell has a reputation for being a “smart” legislator, but that’s mostly because people feel bad about his nerdy physical appearance and they want to say something nice. The truth is, he has demonstrated no competence or skill whatsoever at passing legislation–only a staggering capacity to destroy and obstruct the work of others.
The facts are: Mitch is a fraud. He looks like a turtle. And he is full of shit.
Which may be the reason that the small paper mache likeness of Mitch, which the Betsies also left on his lawn, was frankly kinda heavy to carry, to hear them tell it. And it smelled, we are told, like a Saint Bernard’s dingleberry encrusted ass–as though someone had perversedly saved up an entire week’s worth of their dog’s bowel movements and then spooned it into a hole in the bottom of the paper mache to create a fecal lawn piñata. That looked like a turtle. Or Mitch McConnell. As the case may be.
Or so we’re told. We weren’t there.
Had we been there we would have most certainly admonished those bad, bad Betsies.
Really!–what are we to do with them?
Justice for Cobo
This week when Louisville KY police responded to a call, Corey Boykin, aka Cobo, opened the door. The police did not identify themselves or ask him to put his hands up, instead opening fire immediately and without warning. A Betsy dropped this banner this morning. The American gun industry profits off of every gun, every shooting, and the militarization of the police. Melt the guns.
Truth in Advertising
Don Bacon = NRAsswipe
Republican Congressman Don Bacon of Nebraska’s 2nd District is an NRAsswipe, and last night Betsy Riot popped by to tell him so. Here we have tastefully pixelated an artistic chode sketch because while you can use Facebook to plan your Nazi rallies and sell guns, if you show a cartoon dick you’ll get booted off. Unfortunately, Don Bacon IS a cartoon dick, so it makes our jobs just a little harder… like Don Bacon gets when Wayne LaPierre calls.
Deb Fischer is an NRA Puppet
U.S. Senator Deb Fischer has the personality of a stale low-sodium saltine and the dynamism of a lump fish on quaaludes. Her sole purpose in the Senate is to click the “yes” button every time the NRA or any other greedy racist industry asks to fuck this country. And note to lobbyists: she’s a cheap date, too–a couple of Runzas and some Miller High Life and she’s all yours.
Douchebarrel Darrel Issa
Douchebarrel Darrell Issa, Republican Congressman of California’s 49th District, is a flagrant groveling Trump toady and all-round GOP piece of shit. As the wealthiest currently serving member of the US House of Representatives, he gives nary a shit whether the plebes are mowed down at school, work, or play, as long as Donald Trump still thinks he’s cool enough to hang out with.
The Festering Moral Rot at the Core of America
The gun industry is the festering moral rot at the core of America. Gun culture is where racism, misogyny, xenophobia, the police state, and the worst excesses of unbridled capitalism intersect. That is why we at the Betsy Riot do not fuss with the particulars of this or that gun legislation and instead maintain the position FUCK YOUR GUNS and MELT THEM ALL. We want the total destruction of the firearms industry and we want the population and police disarmed. Melt them down.
We call on all betsies to ACT. If you call your representative do not ask them to please support or withdraw from this or that fucked up shit legislation. Tell them to MELT THE FUCKING GUNS. Tell them that we will no longer allow an industry to capitalize on ignorance, fear, and slaughter. Tell your GOP Congressman that he is a FESTERING PUDDLE OF BLOODY GUNLICKING HUMAN SHIT because Jesus H Christ that is exactly what he is and your feel-good high-roader liberal political group’s postcards and petitions do not mean a damned thing to him.
Show up at their offices and front lawns and use EVERY AVAILABLE NONVIOLENT METHOD to demand that these fucking deatheating assholes put the lives in their commmunities above blood money. Stick a sign in their front lawns announcing to their very lovely McMansion neighborhood that a diseased NRA anus lives in this house. STOP PUTTING COMFORT FIRST.