Chodestock 2017

“FOR WHEREVER 2 OR 3 JERKS GATHER IN TRUMP’S NAME, BETSY IS THERE AMONG THEM…” Betsy 08:27

McLean County, IL: Unrepentant Trumphuming fascist pieces of shit Nick Adams (Conservative t̶a̶l̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ turnip head) and Chuck Erickson (McLean County GOP) tried to have a peaceful (SO PEACEFUL) weekend of Town & Country Trumphumping, with various events taking place at Illinois State University and a picnic at GOP Board Member George Wendt’s farm – a/k/a CHODESTOCK 2017.

Well, Betsy hates fascists but fucking loves a picnic, so she decided to attend — waving her First Amendment in their doughy white faces. Here are some of the greetings Betsy prepared for them:

New Mexico’s “Koch Cain Problem”

In May, Americans for Prosperity set up shop in New Mexico, eager to start pumping dark money into state politics after lapdog governor Susana Martinez vetoed a bill that would require fuller disclosure of campaign funding. As you already know, Betsies, Americans for Prosperity is funded by the billionaire Koch Brothers and has been instrumental to funneling massive financial resources into pushing a far-right political agenda across the country that is dead-set on fucking the entire planet.

The New Mexico chapter of Americans for Prosperity is led by Burly Cain, exactly the kind of libertarian chode you would imagine, who, when he is not trying to wedge a flaccid Ayn Rand dystopic future up the unsuspecting poop chute of his state, opposes a living wage and spends his time on such ventures as “Adwallet,” which pays poor people pennies to watch shitty advertisements, thus making them all prosperous again.

Here’s a summary of the platform position of the New Mexico Americans for Prosperity:
–Dark money is just what democracy needs
–Obamacare terrible
–Exiting Paris Climate accord great
–Taxes bad
–Minimum wage bad
–Assault rifles, for-profit Christian “education” and pipelines great

Last night Cain held a NM Americans for Prosperity event, in which he offered to “educate” the public about dark money, trickle-down economics and the brighter future they hold for New Mexico—as bright as a nuclear dawn!

So New Mexico Betsies staged a funeral procession in front of the event, protesting the state’s “Koch Cain problem.” Cain responded by calling armed security—private security, so at least he gets props for libertarian consistency!—to keep a watchful eye on these terrifying Betsies.

White-Out

From the Iowa & Illinois Betsy Riot: The Trump administration has asked the Klansman-endorsed head of the Department of Justice to sue universities whose affirmative action admission policies result in “intentional race-based discrimination” against white people. Yes, the fucking Department of Justice is deploying its **Civil Rights Division** to undo vital racial justice work at American colleges and universities, and were directed to do so by a steaming pile of incestuous nepotistic legacy admits. According to the DoJ memo, shitty lickspittle employees are to indicate their interest in working this assignment by today, August 9.

So Betsies at the University of Iowa and Northwestern University installed these giant bottles of White-Out to mark the new Trump administration approach to higher ed.

How’s It Feel, Asshole?

Kansas’s Attorney General Kris Kobach is an abscessed penis wrinkle who has risen to rightwing glory through his distinct blend of Islamophobia, disparagement of immigrants, and general evangelical twatbaggery. He is currently leading the charge under his Putin-owned overlords to completely fuck American democracy by requesting voter information from all 50 states under the pretense of investigating voting by illegal immigrants. Recently, Kobach published the names and addresses of citizens who had written his committee to complain about his voter suppression efforts.

Kobach is the perfect chode to lead Trump’s committee on “voter fraud,” being no stranger himself to cheating: he was recently fined by a federal court for lying to conceal the nature of documents in his possession about the National Voter Registration Act, and a couple of years ago he lied when applying for a building permit in Kansas, though the friendly officials there made the unusual decision not to penalize the attorney general.

Like most lying sacks of fascist excreta who avoid the law in their own lives while trying to jackboot women and people of color, Kobach gets his “moral” support from a hate megachurch in Overland Park that dresses up oppressive public policy as the revealed will of Jesus. Christ Church Anglican is part of the Anglican Mission of the Americas, which, among other predictable horseshit, aligns itself with the movement in Africa to persecute gay people.

So some betsies left a greeting card at Kobach’s rural property, then–in a rare exception to Betsy’s policy of not doxxing–she banged up these helpful flyers around nearby Lawrence, Kansas. Finally, she stopped by Christ Church Anglican of Overland Park to address the church’s shittiness.

Don Young = Cankered Penis

Don Young is a cankered penis who has been fucking his home state of Alaska in Congress since 1973. Besides holding predictable positions on government enforced pregnancy and the assignation of thousands of his constituents to death by medical neglect and penury, this fetid chode actively wants to open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to permanent fucking by the oil industry. You know, because #prolife. So Alaska Betsy has taken to improving this cheese-dribbler’s campaign signs and encourages fellow residents of the Last Frontier to keep a marker handy and add their own improvements.

Grab Gilead by the Balls

Senator Ted Cruz came to Austin, Texas, today, and Betsy was there to greet the steaming sack of shit. At first she joined with other Handmaids in protest, but then the 100+ degree temperatures began to make Betsy woozy, so she said to herself, “Fuck this, I’m grabbing Gilead by the balls.” She threw aside her red gown and bonnet and marched around downtown with her dirty pillows on full display to the supreme commanders. An added touch: she put a Betsy Riot sticker on her abdomen.

 

 

Chinga Tu Madre!

N ew Mexico governor Susana Martinez is a transphobic, homophobic, pro-woman enslaving, domestic abuse-loving, public education-destroying, public healthcare-denying, Texas oil money shill and fierce–if badly slurring– drunken pizza party advocate (Google her name, “pizza,” and “911” for a few laughs) whose legendary ineptitude, jaw-dropping pettiness, outrageous nepotism, and Kill-Gut-Then-Eat-the-Poor-From-Your-Privileged-Diamond-Encrusted-Dinner-Table fiscal beliefs have earned New Mexico the title of “Worst-Run State” for two consecutive years running. This shitstain Trumpite enriches herself and rewards her wealthy unqualified cronies and donors with state appointments, while gratuitously and cruelly denying even the simplest of human dignities to the vulnerable in what is historically a poor state.

And so the New Mexico Betsy Rioters decided to pay a night visit to their State Capitol in Sante Fe–aka “the Roundhouse”–and leave a special message for their corrupt, hateful and incompetent governor, complete with pizza-shape exclamation points and helpful suggestions on how to spend quality time with her mom.

(BTW, the “tejana” nickname is apparently a regional monicker in New Mexico emphasizing Martinez’s outsider Texas origins and her lack of commitment to New Mexico as anything other than a shitting place for her and her poor people-belching Texas oil buddies.)

Fascinating Insights on Raising American Adults

It appears that someone has affixed this book blurb to copies of Republican U.S. Senator Ben Sasse’s smug excoriation of young Americans, whom he believes are simply not adulting well enough for his taste wholly due to the personal failings of an entire generation lacking in integrity and virtue, and not at all because of his own shitfuck policies that set fire to the ladder previous generations have been able to climb. Over the past several months Sasse has been touring the media, lubing the nation’s poop chute for his entry into the 2020 presidential race, when he hopes we will all remember him as the “Never Trump” Republican and not the Republican who voted for Trump and has supported Il Douche’s policies 98% of the time.

It would be a crying shame if other people were to download these stickers from this link and print them on Avery labels size 5168 or 8168: https://www.dropbox.com/s/hh25evd9zjtfxvt/SASSE.pdf?dl=0

California Betsy

Photographer Joe Dusel got this photo of the Betsy Riot outside of Congressman Douchebarrel Darrel Issa’s California office today. Issa voted to fuck over his constituents by voting for Trumpcare, and the California Betsies came to remind him what a gun-pushing, death-eating piece of shit he is.

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