How to Be a Betsy: Ruin a Fascist’s Day
Today when Nebraska Governor Pete Deatheater Ricketts showed up for lunch at a restaurant, a fellow diner and Betsy fan asked herself “What would Betsy do?” then sent us this recording of her glorious takedown of Dimestore Lex Luthor.
This is The Betsy Way: may no polite fascist find solace or succor while fucking over the poor, the sick, the elderly, the downtrodden, the young, the planet. Evil thrives on etiquette and depends on polite society allowing it to fester in the office next door or the restaurant booth across the aisle. Betsy says: not on my watch, motherfucker.
Be a Betsy.
OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM BETSY RIOT
ON THE RECENT TRAGEDY AT THE FASCIST
GUNSTITUTIONAL GOP/NRA DEATHWHORE/
PIECES OF SHIT BASEBALL PRACTICE:
“Violence is never the answer. Our thoughts and
prayers go out to your sorry fucking asses.
Just kidding. You’re assholes.
Now here’s a photo of some Betsies treading on the
piss-colored symbol of the hateful anti-government
dogma you spew to gunlickers.”
xoxo Betsy Riot
PS: No, but seriously–violence is never the answer.
PPS: Telling you to go fuck yourself is.
PPPS: Getting shot hurts and is a bummer, we know.
N ew Mexico governor Susana Martinez is a transphobic, homophobic, pro-woman enslaving, domestic abuse-loving, public education-destroying, public healthcare-denying, Texas oil money shill and fierce–if badly slurring– drunken pizza party advocate (Google her name, “pizza,” and “911” for a few laughs) whose legendary ineptitude, jaw-dropping pettiness, outrageous nepotism, and Kill-Gut-Then-Eat-the-Poor-From-Your-Privileged-Diamond-Encrusted-Dinner-Table fiscal beliefs have earned New Mexico the title of “Worst-Run State” for two consecutive years running. This shitstain Trumpite enriches herself and rewards her wealthy unqualified cronies and donors with state appointments, while gratuitously and cruelly denying even the simplest of human dignities to the vulnerable in what is historically a poor state.
And so the New Mexico Betsy Rioters decided to pay a night visit to their State Capitol in Sante Fe–aka “the Roundhouse”–and leave a special message for their corrupt, hateful and incompetent governor, complete with pizza-shape exclamation points and helpful suggestions on how to spend quality time with her mom.
(BTW, the “tejana” nickname is apparently a regional monicker in New Mexico emphasizing Martinez’s outsider Texas origins and her lack of commitment to New Mexico as anything other than a shitting place for her and her poor people-belching Texas oil buddies.)
Nebraska Governor Pete Deatheater Ricketts publicly announced his re-election campaign to an audience of fawning toadies. Betsy was on hand to point out to attendees that Ricketts, who uses his personal fortune to buy legislative seats and fund ballot initiatives to work around the legislature, just preserved his own tax cuts by slashing services to children, the sick, and the elderly. Fuck him, they said.
Ricketts’s retinue of fascist snowflakes responded by calling the police on Betsy Riot because the signs made them feel unsafe. One C-grade would-be Nazi began haranguing a Betsy whilst he chomped on his celebratory cake, which was almost certainly baked from an off-brand mix by one of the sister wives inside and more likely than not had excessive, cloying frosting. When Betsy said, “Go choke on your cake,” the poor thing wailed out that Betsy had issued him a death threat. Lincoln Police were unmoved.
Later, an albino chode exited the building with his kids, and paused to tell the Betsies that he did not approve of them and held up his middle finger in their general direction. A Betsy told him to go fuck himself, and the fragile lad ran home to Twitter, where he claimed that Betsy had verbally attacked his children. A local radio personality–we use the term “personality” loosely–who had also once had his feewings hurt by Betsy Riot invited the victim on his show, where the two puddles commiserated about how things have just truly gone to hell when you can’t hold a nice sausage wank for a predatory fascist anymore without mean ladies fucking up your day.
It appears that someone has affixed this book blurb to copies of Republican U.S. Senator Ben Sasse’s smug excoriation of young Americans, whom he believes are simply not adulting well enough for his taste wholly due to the personal failings of an entire generation lacking in integrity and virtue, and not at all because of his own shitfuck policies that set fire to the ladder previous generations have been able to climb. Over the past several months Sasse has been touring the media, lubing the nation’s poop chute for his entry into the 2020 presidential race, when he hopes we will all remember him as the “Never Trump” Republican and not the Republican who voted for Trump and has supported Il Douche’s policies 98% of the time.
It would be a crying shame if other people were to download these stickers from this link and print them on Avery labels size 5168 or 8168: https://www.dropbox.com/s/hh25evd9zjtfxvt/SASSE.pdf?dl=0